A woman speaks : the lectures, seminars, and interviews of Anais Nin by Nin Anaïs 1903-1977

Author:Nin, Anaïs, 1903-1977
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 0804006938
Publisher: Chicago : Swallow Press
Published: 1975-09-15T00:00:00+00:00

VI

The Personal Life Deeply Lived

I know that you think that you discovered me when I published the Diary, but actually I discovered you. When I published it I thought it was the story of one woman—one often has the impression of being a solitary human being and unique. But I suddenly found that my diary didn’t belong to me, that it was other women’s diaries too. And when the letters began to come, I really discovered a whole segment of women that I didn’t know. I had friendships with women before, very close, very long-lasting and enduring ones, but I didn’t know about these various lives and the struggles of women in little towns. I discovered literally thousands of women and became aware that this was a dazzling moment, a marvelous moment for all women.

But the letters I received, because I had exposed myself and because I had shared all my difficulties, came because the diary had started out as a secret. There was no feeling of censorship, no feeling that someone was looking over my shoulder, so I was truthful. I wasn’t really writing for anyone, even though at first I began the diary as a letter to my father who had left us. The diary was intended to be a description of the new country that I was coming to, a description of America, to entice him to come back, as I didn’t believe that he had gone for good. So it began, in a way,

for someone else. It was really written for someone else and, then, because my mother didn’t let me mail it, it became a secret. It became something that I did for myself. Also, because I couldn’t speak English at the age of eleven, I didn’t have any companionship, and the diary became a companion. All through life it changed roles, it became various things: it was a writer’s notebook, it was a storage place for dreams, it was a sketchbook of everybody around me.

I made several discoveries when I opened it up and when I let it go, when I shared it. But the major one was that relationship was impossible unless one gave the most secret and the deepest part of oneself. This is what one very rarely gives, and why I could was that I had been able to build it in this shelter, as it were, in this spirit house, where I felt protected from censorship, from criticism, and from vulnerability. And finally this secret self got strong enough so that I reached a certain point in 1966—very late as you can see—where I felt I could face the world with it. And yet I was very afraid. I was afraid of what we all are afraid of. I was afraid of being condemned, misjudged, criticized, misunderstood.

To show you the extent of my fear, just before I published the diary I had a frightening dream. I dreamt that I opened my front door and was struck by lethal radiation. Instead

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